The end of 2013 is a few hours away, thankfully. That being said, it is not logical to look at a completely artificial demarcation in time as thinking things will automatically become better. But like so many other holidays, it never hurts to take the occasion to reflect. For New Years, it is a time to plan out the following year (and beyond), and take stock of what was learned.
Earlier today, I saw my folded up sheet of paper of my 2013 goals. Many of the goals were completely blown, mostly because so many unforeseen things came about. The loss of two jobs, some injuries and minor illnesses, and the unpredictability of both people, work, and a doctoral program were a big part of it. Of course, an even larger part of it was a change in mindset – both positive and negative.
So what did 2013 bring? Well, I completed a number of my running goals. The most important was the 42.5 mile ultra-marathon. I ran four half marathons and one of them was my third fastest. But in the end, running goals are not as important as I thought from a year prior. I’m a runner in the fifth stage, which means it is a part of me. I don’t take stock in race times like I used to and most of my running is to have fun and relieve stress. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how many miles I ran this year. It just isn’t as important as it once was.
I did gain some weight back, which I am not happy about but I am still lighter than I have been for many years and will likely drop back to my goals I established a few months ago.
School has been a big deal this year and going to be massive in 2014. With the job loss, I decided to focus strongly on getting past a critical set of school goals. And this upset and refocus leads to something else:
Security. For me, having a stable job and no debit other than my mortgage was a big deal. It still is. After a few years of paying down credit cards and being subjected to outrageous interest rates on previous cars during my 20’s, I decided seven years ago to become far more fiscally independent and smart. It has paid off even as I wreck it with my new found debts as a student. Because of the job loss and the redoubled desire to complete my doctorate, I was forced to take out student loans. At 43 years old. Half way or more to the grave, I’m back in hock with student loans. At least I have a bright future either as a doctor or even without the doctorate.
What I let go is the need to have, at all costs, the stability that comes with the job, house, and living near my support group. I may yet fail in my quest or run out of money. Although I care, I don’t fear it the way I did. To gain something, often we have to let go of something. I gave up having a foot in the engineering world with a decent income while doing school part time. I gave up feeling like a slave to those particular employers who feel as if I am a serf and they are the lords. I gave up a bit of security for some other forms of peace of mind.
Letting go of friends was another thing I did. Unhealthy and unbalanced relationships have been a torn in my side this year and last. I gave them up this year. And I am going to be happier for it. In return this year, I gained a sister and extended family and found who my real friends are. I returned to being true to myself as well. I am both more compassionate and yet harder-hearted in some ways than I was. And I am glad for it. No longer do I need to fit into a circle that has a different set of goals and values as I have. I have also finally closed a chapter of my life that should have been closed a long time ago.
2014 is likely to be as crazy as 2013, but for different reasons. I have no idea of how it will turn out and my goals are not as easy to plan. My 2014 goals are going to be fewer in number and larger impacting, almost all dealing with the doctorate. 2014 is the year of me and of focusing on the very few things that matter most. I’m not setting resolutions, as I continually rethink my goals. I do not do bucket lists; I couldn’t care less what x number of things I do before reaching y number of years. Any goals that I set are entirely congruent to me and they don’t necessarily match what society pressures us to do. I know that in my heart and head, I’m a scientist, a student, a runner, a friend, curious, intellectual, a supporter, teacher, and coach, a harsh critic, subject to situational depression, moody, and quite capable of very dark thoughts. Guess what? I’m not proud of the bad things and not going to spin them. They hold me back and I will work on them. I refuse to ignore a part of who I am because it isn’t positive or popular. Don’t like that? Too bad. Accept them as who I am, or move on to someone else. I rediscovered what is important to me in any relationship and these things are non-negotiable.
As for my goals, I have set a few races to do, including my 4th marathon, 3rd ultra-marathon, and 13th half marathon. But these are less important than ever. Learning how to be a researcher and getting past this critical stage of my education is the main deal of 2014. I also hope to complete my dissertation proposal and specialty exam, a scientific publication going, and maybe nail down a fellowship. Intangibles such as being less worried about where I live, if I will lose my home, or if someone else will be upset at me, are also in the works. As someone very close to me said, “You used to have thicker skin and not be as easily hurt.” Damn right. It is time to return to that state of being. That doesn’t require me to be mean; it simply requires knowing when and to whom to invest in my strategic emotional resources. Some folks are worthy of every ounce and some aren’t worth a milligram. I am sure I will screw up again investing in those that don’t deserve it but that is also who I am. I’m generally friendly and accepting too quickly of others. It has its positives and negatives, for sure. Usually the positives outweigh the negatives though.
2013 ended with a lot of downers compared to the year before. It ended in ways I wouldn’t have imagined nor desired. And it isn’t entirely over. January 1st never starts with a fresh slate and the emotions of the previous year are still with us, good or bad. Baby New Year has a big load in the diaper but it can be cleaned up. Like writing 2013 on my checks until April or May, I will remember what I learned this past year and how to make the best of it as 2014 rolls on.
aero924 
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